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Angel/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW If you've ever driven off the main road to avoid cops, or whatever, then you've probably gone by some old farmhouse and had some frantic dog come chasin' after your vehicle. Then you start slowing down or swerving all over the place. That just gives the dog confidence. He thinks he's winning. Well, here's a simple trick to help you avoid the whole situation. Just take a piece of copper pipe, stick it into a toy dog out the back of your vehicle. It's that simple. Just make sure that you stick it into the right end. When other dogs see that fake dog bouncin' along behind your vehicle, they'll think, oh, boy. I can relax for a change. This one's covered. [ applause and cheers ] all right, yeah. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Actually, just had a brush with death. And I don't mean my wife finding out how much I spend on fishing gear either. I'm talkin' about the real thing. Dalton and I pull into the parking lot, and I hear this loud crack. And I jump out just a maple tree crashes right through the roof of the possum van. Oh, boy. I'm tellin' you, red, somebody up there was lookin' out for you. Well, whoever's lookin' out for you needs glasses, dalton. Dalton was bent over trying to pick a nickel up off the floor. How are you doin'? You all right? Oh, everything's copacetic. And I found it. I must have an angel too, huh? What do mean "too"? I don't believe in that stuff. Really? No. You don't believe that there are beings keepin' an eye on where we are and what we're doin' and know exactly what we're thinkin'? Yeah, but they're called wives. So you're tellin' me that you don't believe in the supernatural? No, I don't. No, no. No horoscopes or ghosts or ouija boards -- what's that other thing I'm thinkin' of? E.S.P.? That's it. No. No. No. What about telekinesis, you know, moving things with your mind? Well, now, that one, yeah, 'cause one time I saw buster hatfield lay on his couch and made his wife move to port asbestos. [ laughter ] it's time to play the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] yes, sir. And today's prize is an r.V. Wow! In this case r.V. Means red's van. Hey, wait a minute. You can't give away my van. Just for a day, red. All right. It'll need gas. Playin' for today's prize is mike hamar. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike to say this word... All right, dalton. And go! Mike, sombody's chasin' you, so you're in a... Stolen car? Um, okay, you're in a car, goin' a little faster than you should, and the cops pull you over, and they say, hey, what's the big... Automatic weapon. No, let's go back to your childhood. Remember you mom would say, don't eat so fast. There's no... Seconds. All right. This is an expression. You're in a long, slow line at the bank, and it's no moving as fast as it should be 'cause the teller's moving kinda slow, so you yell, something up! Stick 'em. No. Time's almost up, red. Come on, mike. You gotta do this, or you won't win the game. Cheat? No, no, no, no. Not cheat, no. You gotta be quicker, or you won't get to drive my van. Well, actually, I'd rather walk. See, I'm kinda in a hurry. There we go! [ bell ringing ] [ applause ] here's the keys. Harold. Hey, uncle red! How you doin'? Good. Good. I'm on a break. Great, give you a couple of minutes to take a look at some of the stuff I brought you for your work space, here. Stuff? You brought stuff? Yeah, you know, just a few momentos from the lodge. Oh, well, it's not like I'm never comin' back up to the lodge, or anything. You don't have to bring stuff down to me 'cause -- that's a big picture, isn't it? That's big one, eh? Yeah! Isn't that a beauty? That's of me and you in our lodge clothing. Lodge clothing, yeah. Up at the lodge. Surrounded by lodge stuff. Worth a thousand words, isn't it? Yeah. Couple are comin' to mind right now. Good. Good. You know, the problem is -- oh, I do not have a wall to hang this on. No problem, harold. Look at this. See? Got a stand on it. Let's her stand right up all on her own. Oh, that's -- that's -- that's in my staple zone! That's where I do all the stapling. That's -- that's -- high business stapling I do there. I got an idea. I got an idea. I know exactly where I can stuff this. Really? Yeah. Into my scanner, you see. And then I'll scan the image. It'll go into my computer and I'll use that as a screen saver. This is where it'll be. But, harold, then you'll only be able to see it when you're not working. Well, I don't do much work. I do so little work, it's scary. Oh, I get it, harold. You're ashamed of the lodge. That's what it is, isn't it? No. No, no, no. No, no. No, it's just that -- no, what is is that if I look at this picture all day long, I'm gonna start day dreaming. I'll be fantasizing about, you know, maybe if fish could swim in possum lake. You know, I'll never get any work done. All right. Okay. I see where you're comin' from. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I guess this here is out of the question, is it? Yes, yes, it would. All right. My wife, bernice, tells me it would be real nice to have heat in the upper level of the shed, here. And when you've been married as long as I have, you accept that your wife's decisions are not only final, they're also relentless. The bottom line is I gotta figure out a way to get this cast-iron wood stove up to the second floor. I suppose I could horse the unit up onto my back and then carry it up this ladder here. But that would be the equivalent of puttin' all my vital organs into a blender. Bein' on a ladder with an extra 150 pounds on my back is the reason middle-aged guys don't elope. But an extension ladder is still a big part of my plan. See how it goes up when I pull on this rope, here? Remember that. It's a hint. All right, here's another piece of the puzzle. Cross-country skis. Every couple of years, some health freak gives me a pair of these. Cross-country skiing is kinda like downhill, but with the fun removed. I'll tell you, if I start cross-country skiing, it's only a matter of time before I'm eatin' broccoli and watchin' the learning channel. Oh, darn, they're broken. Oh, here's a key component you're gonna need too. A power winch, eh. You got one of these on the front of your vehicle? I tell you, if I had a nickel for every drainage ditch, sand trap, or swimming pool this unit has pulled me out of, those darned lawsuits would take care of themselves. All right, these are for pullin' stuff out, but they can also be used for pullin' stuff up. Can you say forklift? Now all I gotta do is hook the winch here on to the ladder, and when I hit the power, up she goes. Let's giver 'er a go. Looks like we're gonna need some ballast. All right. That's got it. This is so much easier than carrying the stove up there. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I wanna talk to you middle-aged guys out there for a minute. You know, there's an expression, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. In human terms that means, like father, like son. And in most cases, that's a pretty scary thought. Especially as you head toward retirement and that inevitable moment when your offspring not only look like you, they start lookin' after you. You don't want them to be like you, believe me. You gotta start settin' a better example right now. Now, I'm not sayin' you have to quit bein' that lazy apathetic guy you've worked so hard to become, just not in front of the kids, or as I call them, your future care givers. You need to come up with a few moments of hard work and responsible behaviour 'cause you want them to be more responsible, and you're runnin' outta time. Think about it. You don't want anyone like you makin' your meals, drivin' you around, and supervising your medication. So you want that apple to fall as far away from the tree as possible, maybe even roll down a hill. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] c'mon in, red. I am gonna convince you that there is such a thing as psychic power, and I'm gonna do it in front of witnesses. If you could read my mind, dalton, you wouldn't even try this, you know. Pick a card. Pick a card. All right, I'll pick a card. Okay, now stare at it. Concentrate. Send a mental picture of that card to me. Are you thinkin' of naked women? No. Oh, that must be me. Okay, concentrate on that card. Is it the three of clubs? No. The four of clubs? No. It's a club, though. No. It's a black card, is what I mean. No, it's not. Oh, let me see that! Oh, there it is. The trouble is, red, that you don't believe in it. No, no, no. I don't believe in it because it doesn't work. Did you wanna see me, mr. Humphrey? Yeah, mike. I'm trying to convince red here the power of the mind, and think you can help me 'cause moose thompson said that you believe in angels. No, no, no. Mike believes in angles. No. No. No. I have an angel. He looks out for me. Kinda keeps me outta trouble. There you go. You see? That's what I mean. Yeah, he lives up back of my place. Okay, mike, let's not go too far. The angel lives behind your house? Yes, sir. Does he have wings? Yep. Mike, I know what you're trying to do, but let's think about what we're sayin' here. No, no, no, no. I'm almost convinced. You know, what would make it work great, though? If you could bring that angel over where I could meet him. That would be the clincher. Uh, sorry. No. No. Um, see, he's real shy. Oh, oh, oh. That's a shame because you were so close to a breakthrough. Well, maybe I can convince him to come down to the lodge meeting tonight, if you're that convinced you wanna meet him. You know, I'm not a betting man, but I'd be willing to put up, say, ten bucks that says mike can't get his angel to show up at the lodge meeting. All right, mr. Green, I'll take that bet, on one condition. That you make the same bet with mr. Humphrey. That way, when I bring my angel in, you'll have to pay us each ten bucks. Oh, no, that's okay, mike. No, no, mr. Humphrey, you deserve it. You stuck by me when mr. Green wouldn't, and I think that you deserve that opportunity to make some easy cash. Yeah, I do too, dalton. Okay, gentlemen, let's see your money. Uh, can you lend me ten bucks? Red green! This is amazing. I was just thinking about you. Well, I waved at you before I come up, gord. Oh, yeah, yeah. Right. So what brings you here? Well, you gave me a roll of film to get developed. Yeah, but that was only about 20 minutes ago. That was last month, gord. Really? Yeah. Time flies. Do you want these pictures or not? Oh, yeah, great, thanks. Did you look at them? No, I was afraid to. Oh, look. These are great. Oops. What's that by the tree, there, gord? Is that a bear? What is that? No, that's one of those tall hairy men, the, uh -- oh, you mean bigfoot? Uh, no, bigfeet, actually. Both of 'em, huge. Yeah, he just trampled the new flower bed I just made, crazy rascal. Well, how do you know it's a "he" and not a "she"? Yeah, there's a better picture. Oh, yeah, that's a he. Yeah, I call him fuzzy, but his real name is [ growling ] you know, gord, these pictures could be worth a lot of money, you know. Nah, nah. Fuzzy doesn't have any money. Oh, no, no, no. I mean c.N.N. They'd pay money for these 'cause you've got proof that the abominable snowman exists. I wouldn't call him abominable. He's more tough but fair. No, no, no, gord. I'm saying if you let me take these pictures, okay, and I'll present them to the right people, and we would be lookin' at a fair major amount of coin to share. Really? You know, if we do that, I should be the one to all the talking, you know, because I am a professional forest ranger. Just to maintain credibility. Uh, these pictures aren't that good. Nah. Red: Can you believe this? Mike had a date. My mind is agog. And he's havin' a good time driving along, and I guess this girl didn't know him. Suddenly he starts to run out of gas. And so does the car. Now he has to do what all men hate to do, no, not that. He has to look at the gas gauge. Yeah, it looks a little dry there. But look, this girl knows mike. Now he comes up to his next obstacle. This car, technically, isn't a car he's had more than five minutes, so he doesn't know where the gas filler is. This is kind of a tip-off. Try the other side, there, mike. No, I think it's behind the license plate. Try the license plate there. I doubt if it would be -- I doubt it. I doubt it. What the -- oh, oh, oh. This is a magnetic hill in the possum lake area. I don't think mike's familiar with that. And he's all -- mike, it's an optical illusion it's a magnetic hill. No, it's an optical -- watch. There's nothin' to it. See? That's all there is to that. But you know you can have a lot of fun with it, yep. No, no, no. You can have a lot of fun. Come on. First of all, we don't want the possum van to go up there. Get a little rock there. Put that in front of the wheels. Okay, nothin' to worry about. Now we can have some fun. Come here. Anything I got that I wanna roll up that hill? How about -- try the spare. Try the spare. This is great. Let 'er go. Let 'er go. [ laughing ] wasn't that great? Up she goes. There we go. What else I got in here? I got more of those big balls. You know those beach ball-type things? Let's try a few of those. Dump a few in there. Dump a few in. Watch this, mike, eh? Let 'em go. You got three of them. Let 'er rip. Let 'er rip. Look at this. There goes one. There goes two. And number three. Oh, my golly. You know -- all right, mike. Let's do the big one, eh? Let's do the big one, eh? Let's fire the whole van up there. Get the other rock. Get the other rock. Take the other rock out. Watch out. She'll creep on you. She'll creep. She'll creep. Get away. Get away. Get away. I'll get mine. I'll get mine. Stand back. Okay, here she goes. Here she goes. Watch this. Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, hey. How are you? Oh, right! It's time for mike's teen talk. Okay. So I know a lot of you young people have trouble telling the truth. Well, the problem is that the truth isn't always that simple. 'cause what might be true for one guy, like, say, you or me, might not be true for some other guy; like, the police. And also, you might be so busy making up your story and rehearsing it for so long and working and working on it that you think it's really the truth, right? And it comes as a complete shock when some eye witness tells you you're lyin'. This happens to me a lot. So I like to look for the danger signs that'll show me if I might be telling the truth. Like, if my story is gonna cause a hassle, or if it's gonna get people irritated, or -- and here's the big giveaway, if it seems a lot more unlikely than the lie I was gonna tell, then it's probably the truth. So I'd say that if you wanna get yourself into a lot of trouble and have people mad at you and callin' you a liar and all that kind of stuff, then, sure, tell the truth; otherwise, I'd just sort of use the truth as a last resort. Like they do in politics. Oh, that's it. So what are you learnin' in school these days, dale? Well, my economics class is kind of interesting. We're doing a comparison between guns and butter. Oh, yeah. Is that what the educational system has come to now? You gotta go to college to be able to tell guns from butter? Well, you could learn about it too, mr. Green. I mean, they've got adult classes at night, if you're interested. I'm not interested. I'm just trying to distract you, so you'll put more gas in than the five bucks I'm payin' for. That'll be $5, mr. Green. There you go, dale. See you next time. Oh, wait a second. You forgot your coupons. What? It's a promotion we're doin' here at the station. It's like money, but you gotta spend it here. So how much are these coupons worth, quarter of a tank of gas or something? Nine cents. Nine cents? Well, you collect 'em. It adds up. Well, can you get me an elastic band, so I can keep 'em together at least? I don't have an elastic on me. The convenience store sells elastics. You gotta buy 'em a bag at a time, though. And how much does a bag of elastics cost? I dunno. Two bucks? Dale, I'm not gonna spend two bucks to hold nine cents together. Here, you take 'em back. No, I can't take 'em. I hope you don't think I'm gonna get outta the van to pick those up. I don't bend over to pick up a dime. And neither should you, dale. What are you makin'? Eight bucks an hour? Okay, that's 13 cents a minute. You take the time to pick up those coupons, you're losin' money. There's your economics. And drop by the lodge and bring a baked potato, and I'll also show you the difference between guns and butter. Well, mike's runnin' a bit late, if he's comin' at all. You don't suppose his angel whisked him off to heaven, do you? If mike could get into heaven, that's good news for all of us, isn't it? Well, I got things to do, dalton, so if you don't mind, I'll just kinda -- hold it right there, mr. Green. That money isn't your's yet. Mike, did you come alone, or is there an invisible spirit kinda hovering around you? Probably some on his breath. No. No, it took a lot of coaxing, but my angel finally agreed to drop by. So if you don't mind handing over the money. For what? Some invisible angel nobody can see or hear? Hey, angel, if you're here, smite me, huh. Smite me down. Smite me good. C'mon in, franco. Um, this is franco. He's a volunteer with the possum lake guardian angel society. They help guys like me. Pleased to meet you, franco. I look out for mike. We don't want anything to mess up his parole. This is mr. Green. He wanted you to smite him. No, no, no. Just kiddin'. What have you got in the take out food box? My wings. [ laughter and applause ] I think somebody owes mr. Humphrey and me ten bucks. Hey, hey. This guy isn't technically an angel. What! What did you say? I guess those are suicide wings. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. You guys gotta go. You guys gotta go. Away you go. Oh, yeah. Right. I'll see you guys later. So if my wife is watchin', I'll be comin' straight home after the meeting, and I think I'm gonna need a change of clothes because I've just been touched by an angel. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and my best pal, franco, keep your stick on the ice. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com everybody sit down. Take a seat. Everybody sit. Sit down, everyone. Okay, everyone sit. Sit. Sit down. All rise! All rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Okay, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change if I have to I guess. Closed captioning provided by